Cheating

First I would like to say thank you very much for the kind comments. I appreciate it. And Stacie, thank you so much for spending your Tuesday nights listening to and talking me down.

I haven't written anything in a little while. Things have gotten really bad. He sleeps on the couch every night. He comes home from work really late. His job does not require that he works extra hours. I think he has found someone else. I don't know how to react to that. I'm not sure how to feel. Two weeks ago, I was determined to work things out. I wanted to feel his touch again. I wanted to feel his lips. I wanted to feel his arms. Then he took took his wedding ring off. Then he started working late. Then he started showering after he got home. Then he started taking his phone calls in different rooms in whispered tones. He broke his vows. I'm filing for divorce.

Rings

I had to leave early for work today. I over slept and went running out of the house. As I was driving to the pharmacy I realized I wasn't wearing my ring. A ring that was once a symbol of love and devotion. A never ending circle of trust and faith in each other. A ring that represented so much. I don't know what that ring means today. Is that devotion still there? That trust and faith? I just don't know. When I got home, I noticed his ring was not on his hand either. Then I realized it hasn't been on his hand for a long time. Is his faith in me gone? Has he lost that devotion? Did I break his trust? What did I do to make him want to take that ring off? Where did it all go so wrong? What hurtful word fell off my lips that caused him enough pain to make that decision? Was it one word or was it lots of little words that slowly ate away at him? Will we ever be able to move past that hurt?

Songs

I can be an emotional person. I often tie lyrics of songs back to my life. Back to things I cherish and want to remember. Our song was on the radio yesterday. I used to listen to it. It fit the first few years of our life together so well. That song brought back memories of firsts. First meetings, first kisses, first I love you, first night together. It usually brings back memories of him holding me in his arms, swaying back and forth, the music the only thing we hear, swaying perfectly in tune with each other, but not at all in tune with the music. It usually reminds me of him. His smell. His arms. His eyes. Those things bring me hurt now. They make me cry, they make me wish we had that again. They make me fall deeper. I can't feel like that. I don't want to feel like that. I want to feel him, his arms, smell him, look into his eyes. But I can't. I don't know if I ever will again. I turned the song off. Then I threw away the CD.

Pretending

We have gotten very good at pretending. I don't think anyone knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one knows we don't speak to each other. No one knows I wait for him to leave before I get out of bed in the morning so I don't have to face him. No one knows we live a lie. I wonder how old the kids will be before they realize we never speak. We speak to the kids. We often speak through the kids. They are too young to realize they are the go between. I know it isn't right. I am sure he knows too. But we do. Why do we do it? I just don't know. Someday they will realize how life really is. Someday they will understand we are not one big happy family. I just hope we don't teach them our bad behavior. I hope they don't settle for life we have settled for. I hope they strive for better.

Done

I canceled dinner. I just can't fake it anymore. I can't pretend to be happy in front of friends and then sink back into the abyss. Alone, dark, sad, and falling deeper. I can't be Dr Jekyll and Hr Hyde anymore. Of course, I lied. I didn't say we aren't getting along. I didn't say we aren't going to make it. I said I didn't feel well. I didn't think I could get out of bed. I don't want to get you sick. Maybe we can reschedule? Talk to you later.

I should have kept the plans. Now my night will be shrouded in anger. Held down by the things we need to say but just don't. Held down by everything we have said in the past and shouldn't have. Held in limbo. Waiting for the end to come. Waiting for someone to finally say I'm done. This is unfair. It is unfair to us and our kids and it is time to end it. It is time to move on and try to salvage what is left of out lives. Time to say good bye.

Silence

We live in silence. Yes we speak to our children. We don't speak to each other. We have friends having dinner at our house tonight. He will be in the game room, playing around with the kids. I will be in the kitchen cooking. When we sit down to eat, we will sit next to each other. We will laugh with our friends but we won't look at each other. We won't touch and won't actually speak to each other. We will watch a movie but we will sit on different couches. We won't share a blanket, I won't lay my head in his lap as he brushes my hair. We haven't done that in years. Our friends will leave we will smile and say our good byes. The door will close and it will be silent. Our smiles will melt away. He will go to bed. I will clean up, waiting for him to fall asleep. For if he is asleep when I go to bed, the silence is okay. Because that is how we live...in silence.

Lost and Falling

There is a bar in the city I live called The Safehouse. In order to get into the bar you have to know the password. If you don't you are put on camera and made to wear a grass skirt, coconut bra, and do the hula. The camera feeds into the bar where your friends and everyone else is laughing at you. The password is I'm looking for a safehouse.

That is me right now. I feel like I have gotten to a place in my life where I am falling and I need a safe harbor to help me out. I feel like everyone I know is sitting inside watching me and I am lost looking for my way in. I am 28 years old and my life has not gone the way I wanted it to go. My relationship with my husband is shaky. I don't know how much longer we will last. We are in debt up to our eye balls and I don't know how to get out. I have two kids who I have no patience for. I feel like I yell too much. I have built this persona of myself. I have lead everyone in my life to believe I am so put together, we live a wonderful life, we love each other, we have amazing kids. We don't. We hardly speak to each other and I am falling apart.

I need something. I need to speak what I am feeling. I need someone to hear me yell and cry and I need to get it out of my head. This is my someone.